Do you have that moment in mind? Good.
Now, why do you think that you couldn’t believe it?
Chances are that you couldn’t accept it because you didn’t like what it said about you. You most likely couldn’t separate that negative behavior or culture from who you thought you were. You probably viewed that behavior as fixed instead of on a spectrum, and when you do that, you tend to project more and overcompensate so that you don’t become what you fear to be true. That spectrum that you are not viewing the behavior through is what I call the awareness acceptance spectrum. This happens individually and organizationally. It creates the systems, rules and regulations we accept.
It’s one thing to be aware of a problem, it’s another thing to accept that it is a problem. Your level of acceptance determines the level of change you will enact within yourself and/or your organization.
In my line of work as a consultant, speaker, writer and professor, I operate in three environments that significantly influence human behavior: workplaces, academia and the media. I say this because we either do some sort of work or get some sort of education for most of our lives, and if you are not getting the education in some academic institution, it’s most likely through several forms of media. All these impact how we see the world and ourselves — essentially, our worldviews and self-esteem. All these make us way more reflective instead of reactive, and the things we react to are usually accepted truths instead of lived truths.
What’s the difference between an accepted truth and a lived truth?
Accepted truths are truths you don’t question because they are widely accepted, and lived truths are ones that are based on your lived experiences. Conflict occurs when lived truths threaten to expose accepted truths. Obviously, there’s a degree of variance here because everyone’s lived experience will be different. However, multiple things can be true at the same time. Problems occur when we don’t accept this.
Again, your level of acceptance determines the level of change you will enact within yourself and/or your organization.
Let me illustrate this with an example. An accepted truth in many environments is that we live in a post-racial society so systemic racism doesn’t exist. A lived truth that counters this accepted truth is that opportunity for advancement is limited because showing up as members of certain groups is seen as unprofessional or unconventional.
Here’s another example. Accepted truth: If we go to the same school, we have the same opportunity for success. Lived truth: The curriculum taught in my school didn’t show me success from people who looked like me, so I was made to be the exception. In reality, there were many like me who needed to be highlighted in our curriculums.
The need to preserve these accepted truths without reflection is a form of self-preservation by the privileged at the expense of the growth of the marginalized. Some of you might think this is common sense, but common sense isn’t common because critical thinking isn’t common. How can it be though, when critical thinking itself isn’t accepted? Remember, we live in a more reactive world than a reflective world.
So, what do we need to do to spread more equity, inclusiveness and self-actualization?
Understand your biases, triggers and values, or your BTVs. For your biases, investigate where all of your accepted truths come from and reflect on why you believe them. For your triggers, reflect on how your body and mind react to words and situations. Journal them. For your values, identify your five core values and make sure you do something to fill each of your value cups every day. This is on the awareness side of the spectrum. As you can see, it involves a lot of listening — to yourself.
The acceptance side of the spectrum also involves a lot of listening, to what your environments and others are telling you. Whenever you hear something about yourself or your organization, invite the conversation and seek to understand the root of the assertion. Don’t stop there, though. Accept that this is the lived truth of the person or people telling you this, and accept that you play a role in this lived truth.
Some lived truths may never be accepted truths for some, and some accepted truths may never be lived truths for some. But that doesn’t mean change can’t occur. If an employee’s natural hair grows in a way you consider unprofessional as a CEO and you demerit that person, your accepted truth of professionalism is in direct contrast with that employee’s lived truth of self. If you have a bunch of these types of rules and then add privilege and power dynamics, you create toxic cultures, norms and standards.
Let’s take a look at what occurred on July 11, 2021. The English football team lost to the Italian football team after three very qualified Black players missed penalties. A number of English fans attacked Black people on the street, and the Black players who missed the penalties were the victims of online abuse. What do you think was the accepted truths of these racists? How many of these people are aware they are racist and how many have accepted they are racist? In reality a number of factors contributed to the loss, but that level of acceptance would mean that they needed to address things they weren’t willing or hadn’t acknowledged about themselves.
Acknowledge and resist the urge to be defensive and you’ll realize that as much as you might be part of a problem, you can very well be part of the solution because awareness plus action equals change — and awareness plus acceptance equals behavioral and cultural change.
